Adventures in Plumbing

Spouse and I have slowly been updating the homestead. Spouse is a whiz with carpentry, electrical, plumbing, and other things that need to be done around the house. This has saved us time and money, and also provided instant gratification. Over the years, he has finished off an upstairs, tiled multiple floors, installed toilets, sinks, and showers, painted and wallpapered, wainscoted, plastered, trimmed, and assembled toys from Santa on Christmas Eve.

This weekend we decided to replace the 26 year old dual control kitchen faucet with a single control. Spouse has set our water temperature to the hottest possible so that at 5:00 am on a freezing cold winter morning I can still have a hot shower. Spouse and I have developed a knack for avoiding being burned when using the sinks, but others have not been so lucky. So the trip to the plumbing aisle was really a mission of mercy. We chose our favorite, a Moen, and headed home. Coupled with a trip to the dump that morning, that was enough excitement for the day, and we decided to start on the project first thing the next morning.

While I emptied the cabinet of cleaning supplies and 87 dish towels, spouse gathered the tools and checked the parts against the list in the box. There was one extra part, but we figured its intended location would become clear as the operation progressed. Under the sink spouse went, and started doing his plumbing thing. He removed the old faucet and squirty hose, which was easier than it could have been since he pretreated with WD-40. I think WD must stand for Wonder Drug. The old hardware went into the trash, and spouse was ready to install the new satin-finish single control.

Spouse gave me my assignment, "hold it straight", and the talking part of him disappeared under the sink. I can do this, I told myself. I gripped the base of the faucet and prepared to hold on NO MATTER WHAT. It soon became evident that plumber's assistants should not use hand cream minutes before they start a job involving stainless steel. The faucet was turning in my hands, not staying put as ordered, and I braced myself for some serious man-talk from under the sink. Worse yet, I realized that the faucet actually had four moving parts. Was I supposed to hold all four parts at the same time? I know my hands are good sized, but I didn't think they were up for the job, particularly in their current supple and smooth state. "Hold it straight" didn't quite address the situation I was up against, but when a man is plumbing, an assistant is hesitant to disturb him with silly questions. So I didn't. It might have saved us some time if I had, but spilled milk and all that...

Spouse got that beautiful faucet installed and in working order in about an hour and a half without breaking a sweat. Days later there are still no leaks. The man knows how to plumb. But I think I'm going to retire as a plumber's assistant. It's time to move on to something else, like chopping firewood or building a stone wall. And I'm skipping the hand cream until AFTER we're done.